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学术班雅思写作作文批改

2019-09-19编辑 : 津桥国际学院

贺伟敏

2009年至今

随着学生们美好暑假的结束,津桥教育的老师们除了送走了新一批未来的留学生,为他们打通通道之外,还帮助了不少的有着未雨绸缪习惯的学生,为他们即将到来的大学生活做好铺垫和准备。那么本期,我们来为大家奉献最近贺老师为大家批改的学术文章,让大家也对学术写作有所了解。

  随着学生们美好暑假的结束,津桥教育的老师们除了送走了新一批未来的留学生,为他们打通通道之外,还帮助了不少的有着未雨绸缪习惯的学生,为他们即将到来的大学生活做好铺垫和准备。那么本期,我们来为大家奉献最近贺老师为大家批改的学术文章,让大家也对学术写作有所了解。

  Perfect Craftwork is the Essence of Parris Cues Success

  点评:

  文章标题不可以是句子,同时实词需要首字母大写。

  With the prize-money of all kinds of snooker matches raising,and the entry fee is reduced gradually.There is a great development of snooker in recent years,which benefits from the profit.So more and more professionals appear.The development and improvement is related to the great appliance.The professionals need to be not only skillful but a suitable cues are also significant. The professional needs not only plenty of skills but also suitable cues.Then craftsmen begin to concentrate on cues. 建议改写为 Thousands of craftmen in the world delicate on to design cues for these professionals to meet their requirements for better performance in the math and some of these craftmen have owned their brands for many years. One of brands named John Parris has become the best handmade snooker cues manufacturer.

  点评:

  本段作为开头段有些复杂和冗长,建议精简并改写。

  For a start,Parris Cues are a snooker cue maker headquartered in London,which founded in 1984,the company was started by master John Parris as an evolution of a keen interest in snooker.Up to now,John Parris has been making cues for over 30 years,in that time he has worked with most of the top professional players, either making them new cues or re-building and repairing much loved cues they have used for years.Now,John is one of the most renowned manufacturers of handmade snooker cues all over the world.It is said that there are more than half of top 120 in world snooker rank use Parris cues.Steve Davis, Six Times World Champion gives a title that is“ the No 1 cue maker”(Steve Davis).

  点评:

  本篇文章缺乏主旨句,建议加上去完整的句子:这个品牌成功的原因是对于材料的挑选,精湛的手工和完美的服务。

  First of all,Quality is crucial in craftwork.The quality of Parris cues are the second to none,because John Parris ensures that each one is made from the finest materials available.The shafts are of the highest quality straight grained mature ash or maple for their tenacity and full of elasticity.These woods are hand selected for straight grain, clean wood, density, rigidity, grain spacing by John and examined at every stage of manufacture.It’s an arduous and difficult work,deffer from other ordinary,John insist doing it by himself.John search for first-rate timbers all over the world,for example he needs always to go to North America getting the Canadian maple that is moderate hardness,and sometimes selects the high hardness ash in Siberia.Any materials not up to John’s high standards are rejected.John thinks that the shaft is the most important part of the cue, and must have the correct feel and rigidity so it has a rigorous standard for selecting woods.The next procedure is that choosing the materials of butts which are the handlebars of cues.This is not important as the woods of shafts,but John still selects them by hand and make it perfect.Traditional materials manufacturers,most of the cue butts are made of sanders with glue,whereas John use ebony and rosewood usually,show noble as much as possible,as we all say“A box of ebony is better than a box of treasure”.Also John Parris stock a wide range of exotic and rare timbers which are selected for their unique grain patterns and distinctive colorings.In conclusion these is one of the superior parts of Parris cues different from other manufacturer.

  点评:

  逻辑层次混杂,学生不知道自己在写什么,并且论据的引用部分使用不恰当。 个人建议:

  首先:球杆的制造主要包含前区和后区,前者比较重要,展开写作( 原料产地,品质,要求的选择 );另外,后区,多数普通匠人认为不重要,但是.坚持( 原料产地,品质,要求的选择 ) 值得提到的是,整个过程中 亲自挑选。

  After materials selecting,it’s time to make cues.John Parris insist on not just good materials but high standards of workmanship. 改为Besides good materials,the high standards of workmanship is another factor that ensure the success of the John Parris cues. In our daily activities related to billiard ball,almost every cues are manufactured by machine.John Parris made cues with his own hands from the beginning to now in order to gain high-quality products and suitable for each customers.The shaft need be cut to the appropriate length the butt is then carefully hand spliced. This involves the shaft being hand planed then inlaid with a minimum of four separate splices of exotic timber.The cues need to be sharpened like dealing with pencils,John can do it accurate to millimeter by hands,I have to say it’s quite marvelous.There are not just a kind but many kinds of medicinal liquid suitable for all kinds of woods to make them more durable.Finally linseed oil is applied to the whole cue and the butt is burnished with wax to give a warm, smooth, natural feel. 建议改写上面红色的部分It’s finish unique to a Parris cue and very different from that of lacquered cues which are more common.Normally,John Parris makes a perfect snooker cue needs over 50 weeks,some special cues even last for 4 to 5 years,because John should be responsible for every buyer,and not stop processing the snooker cue everyday until he is satisfied.The patience and endurance of Mr.Parris are really incredible.“His standard of workmanship is superb. He takes pride in every cue that leaves his workshop and his attention to detail.”says Steve Davis,“and, indeed, customer satisfaction are unsurpassed.”(Steve Davis). 很好可以保留

  点评:

  学术表达方式缺乏,偏口语化。建议修改首句的过渡句。

  In addition to the quality and workmanship,a good looking is indispensable to make a spectacular billiard cue.As is stated above,the assortment of grain, clean wood, density, rigidity, grain spacing,add the ikebana of butts and the cue wax finally make up a beautiful snooker cue.After the cue process finishing,the performance is appreciated by multitudinous professional snooker players.According to Ronnie O’Sullivan,19 times champions in Three main match,stated“when I first got my cue, I could not believe how good it felt, I was able to play so many more shots, the power I was able to generate was fantastic, in fact my break building went on to another level, along with the other parts of the game.”(Ronnie O’Sullivan).可以保留

  In summary, There is no doubt that Parris Cues is the best snooker cue brand in the world.High-quality timber and first class workmanship make me attribute the success of the John Parris on its craftwork.So for all snooker players,I hope you can have your own Parris cues.

  Quotation list

  Steve Davis, https://www.parriscues.com/quotes/quote/steve_davis/

  Steve Davis, https://www.parriscues.com/quotes/quote/steve_davis/

  Ronnie O’Sullivan, https://www.parriscues.com/quotes/quote/ronnie_osullivan/

  总体评价:

  这篇文章的作者是高中毕业的学生,没有接触过的学术写作的内容;在写作之前学生并没有按照我的要求进行充分的严谨的学术提纲的进行提纲汇总写作,也是因此导致了很严重的主体段层次和段落的逻辑不分明的情况;另外由于外网资料的缺乏,学生使用的引言部分资料比较少,且并没有进行充分的总结和改写。建议修改后的文章提纲如下:

  I Introduction

  Thesis statement:The success of AA depend on three main factors : the best quality , manship and service .

  II Body

  Quality

  Pre

  Post

  Manship

  dedication

  patience

  C .Service

  Online and real shop

  After sale service

  III Conclusion

  最后,如果想知道最后本篇文章最终成稿和结果,并且你也希望写出符合要求的学术essay,欢迎随时来津桥国际了解学习方案,相信我们的老师一定能帮您制定学习计划,做好出国前的万般准备。

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